i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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