Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
