I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Randomize
