Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
