im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
don't judge my taste in strippers
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
