apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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