"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
