Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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