I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
