it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
