My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
