at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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