I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
