For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
