It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
