biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Everclear isn't food dammit
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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