So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
