Need sex. Gaining weight.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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