I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
