Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
