went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
