Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
