from now on my penis is your penis
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
