Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
