Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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