I'm going to jail i love you
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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