You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
