I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
