come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
