Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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