My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
