....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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