I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
