Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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