mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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