Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
