dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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