I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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