How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
