When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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