She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
