A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I AM VODKA MAN
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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