I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
