I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
