i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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