I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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