I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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