remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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