Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
