I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
