Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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