FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
