would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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