im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
