I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
