K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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