Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
