When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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