I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
