ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
