the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
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