The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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