On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
