Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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