we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
