I am spending my child support on dildos
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
