i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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