You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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