My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Randomize
