So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
