At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
tonight lets celebrate not being married
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
