I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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