i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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