i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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