I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
