I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
