Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
