The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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