You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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