Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
