i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
